Renewal ???……..or not?????

“Can this relationship be saved?” is one of the most common questions we hear. The person asking the question feels hopeless, desperate to figure out a way to renew a struggling partnership. They usually ask when a relationship is past the point of arguing and constant conflict, and is into the realm of parallel lives, living as roommates and partners feeling disconnected from each other. The couple no longer deals with fire, now they’re living with ice.

It’s tempting to answer this question with reassurances that working on the relationship will bring about a desired result. Unfortunately no such outcome can be guaranteed at the beginning of therapy or relationship coaching. While we want to do our utmost to help couples find their way back to each other, we first have to assess what has happened and is continuing to happen that erodes the relationship. What are the barriers to renewal ? Can those barriers
be overcome?

Doing a thorough assessment of the relationship’s strengths and challenges gives the couple the information upon which a decision can be made to work on renewal, or decide to part ways.

We’ll delve into the specifics of how your relationship can be renewed in our next email, but for now, here are some questions to ask yourself if you are wondering if your relationship can be saved?

Trust

Has trust been eroded by a betrayal, lies or neglect?

Friendship

How is the friendship between you? Do you know what’s going on in each others’ lives? Is there a sense of interest, curiosity and fun between you? Is there appreciation, respect and gratitude for each other? Do you try and connect in small ways and are you responsive when your partner tries to connect with you? More importantly, if you answered no to these questions, are you interested and willing to change some aspects of your behavior to rebuild your friendship?

Fight Fair

Do you fight fair ? Is there a respectful back and forth in your arguments or is conflict laced with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling? (What Dr. John Gottman calls The Four Horsemen). Can you take breaks when things get heated? Again, if you’re answering no, are you personally willing to make some changes to improve how differences are handled ? (Caveat: if you are in an abusive relationship, scratch that last question. No-one should accept abuse.)

Shared Values

Is there a sense of shared values, goals, beliefs, traditions in your relationship? Do you work together towards any shared purpose? If not, are you interested in having conversations to discover what those values etc. might be and to work to advance them in partnership?

You may already have tried everything you can to get the relationship back on track and are exhausted by it. Important to note though that all committed couples struggle with some or all of the above issues over time. What research tells us is that the far more serious problem is waiting too long to get help for those issues.

Sometimes we have it in us to try again, but sometimes when you know, you know.