It’s Financial Groundhog Day March-April Every Year.

One of the reasons why tax season can feel so exhausting for many couples is that it feels like an annual recycling of the same arguments about saving, financial planning, spending, retirement, and the list goes on.  It can drain your financial and emotional bank account. We know that when couples argue over money-related issues they are almost always not arguing about the dollar bills and coins in their wallets. What they are really arguing about is what money means to them – their values, beliefs and experiences relating to money and finances.

Dr. John Gottman once said that he began to make a list of all the different meanings that money can hold… and he stopped his list at 100 items. What does money represent ? For one partner money may symbolize security and safety, for the other, freedom and excitement. Often we assume that we hold the same values without ever having discussed the issue. If the conversations with your partner about money end in painful conflict and resentment, it may be because you’re not really talking about the elephants in the room – what money means to each of you. Research shows that those “meanings” conversations  are an essential part of relationship satisfaction .

One of the surefire ways that you can blow up your relationship is by letting these conflicts fester to the point where the friendship between you is affected. You start to judge your partner for things you once loved about them. The spontaneous roadtrips with your partner are now wasteful spending. The organized planner is now the control freak who wont spend money to have fun. How can you maintain your friendship and appreciation for each other during the stress of tax season ?

Here Are Some Tips:

Before running any numbers or making financial decisions, start by making a list of the top 5 values money holds for each of you. Get to know what’s important to each other and why. Be curious and try and remain open-minded. Do not try and come up with solutions at this point.

Are there any values you have in common ?  Usually there are. Use these values to guide your discussion about a piece of your financial life, like saving for retirement. Breaking financial topics into smaller chunks is a lot more manageable.

Finally, talk  with your partner like you would talk to a friend – with interest, respect, and benefit of the doubt. The goal is to add to your emotional bank account as well as your financial one.

Therapist Tip:

“In the therapy room, we use ‘the Art of Compromise‘ to help couples stuck in gridlock with money conflicts. The tool can help make major shifts in how partners see the situation. It can also make meaningful minor shifts by helping to ‘nibble at the edges’ of the perpetual problem, put the focus on the actual conflict and reach a solution (or at least an experiment). It’s not uncommon to find that couples aren’t arguing about what they think they are. I worked with a couple once who fought constantly over one partner’s definition of money as more of a fluid societal construct. What became clear in our work using ‘The Art of Compromise’ is that both partners agreed on the fundamental core needs and had the ability to make sure those must-have’s were met… and thus the time in the more existential conversation about the meaning of money didn’t threaten the security needs of both partners.” – Garni Thomas