Pop culture suggests that grand romantic gestures are the way to course-correct an ailing
relationship. (Think movies like Big Fish – our hero saves the day by buying every daffodil within
5 states for his partner).

In reality, relationships are renewed by increasing positive feelings in smaller ways. Whew!
Dr. John Gottman’s research showed us that couples who are happy in longer term
relationships have a ratio of 20 positive to 1 negative in their emotional interactions. These are
small moments of positivity – such as saying thank you to each other – that build up between
the partners, and generate more goodwill and trust over time.

How do we increase positivity?
First, we need to be intentional about cultivating a positive habit of mind about our partner.
Even in struggling partnerships, there are usually some positive things that are happening and
some qualities we can appreciate about each other. You argue about your partner’s reckless
nature now, but weren’t you initially attracted to their spirit of adventure and fun ? It takes
practice to separate what you do admire from what you don’t, but many character traits are a
mix of good and bad. Try setting an intention to look for the good. And when you see it, say it!
Don’t hold back on expressing appreciation as you’re waiting for the difficulties to resolve. They
are unlikely to be resolved unless there’s a spirit of positivity between you.

Second, try in small ways to connect with your partner, and look for ways in which they try to
connect with you. A key Gottman research finding is that turning towards bids, or attempts to
connect, is hugely predictive of how relationships fare over time. In longer term relationships,
its easy to stop making efforts to respond to each other with energy or enthusiasm or to even
reach out and connect. Next time you find yourself exasperated when your partner shares cat
videos with you, can you see this as an attempt to connect ?.. and can you respond in a positive
way – with some interest, humor or curiosity – as you would to a close friend. Turning towards
each other leads to more turning toward, and generates more feelings of positivity.

Lastly, to fan the flames of renewal, try doing things together that you haven’t tried before.
Emotion researchers have discovered that couples who were assigned fun-filled activities
generated greater relationship quality on follow-up surveys. Those couples also showed more
accepting and fewer hostile behaviors in their follow-up discussions. Engaging in playful activity
together actually deepened loving feelings and strengthened bonds, even within long-standing
intimate relationships.

Try using these research-based tips to increase positive feelings in your relationship.

Light It Up!