Have you ever walked into the kitchen and said something to your partner — and they just… didn’t really respond? Maybe they were on their phone, or focused on something else, and the moment just passed? It was no big deal but you felt a bit irritated.

What just happened is called a missed bid for connection — you reached out and your “bid” wasn’t accepted. Dr. John Gottman’s research revealed how couples make and respond to these small, everyday moments is one of the strongest predictors of relationship health he’s found.

Bids Can Be Tiny

A bid can be tiny. It might be…

“Look at this funny cat video.”
“I’m so tired today.”
“Did you see what happened with the neighbors?”

These statements arent just small talk. They’re invitations. They’re one partner reaching toward the other and saying, in their own way: I want to be close to you right now.

Why Are Bids Important?

Gottman found that couples in strong, lasting relationships make and turn toward these bids about 86% of the time. Couples who eventually divorce? About 33% of the time.

The good news is that bids aren’t complicated to respond to. You don’t need to drop everything or have a deep conversation. Sometimes all it takes is looking up from your phone, a smile, or a simple “Hmmm…..”

The other side of the equation worth asking yourself is “Am I making bids too”?

Bids Go Both Ways

It’s easy to notice when our partner seems checked out or distracted. It’s harder to ask ourselves whether we’re actually reaching toward them (making bids)— or whether we’ve quietly stopped. If you find yourself feeling lonely in your relationship, it’s worth questioning not only if your partner is turning toward you but are you turning toward them?

So why do people stop making bids in the first place?

Sometimes busy lives, long to-do lists and being together for a long time can gradually cause both partners to stop initiating those small moments of connection without even realizing it. Sometimes it’s self-protection. When bids have been met with distraction, dismissal, or silence too many times, we stop reaching out because it feels safer not to try than to try and be ignored. Over time, both partners can end up waiting for the other to go first, and the distance between them grows until they feel like ships passing in the night.

The Good News

The encouraging thing? It doesn’t take much to start again. One genuine bid — one small moment of reaching toward your partner today — can begin to shift things.

This week, try both: notice the bids coming your way and turn toward them as often as you can — and try making a few of your own. It might surprise you how quickly small moments can change the tone in your relationship.

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